Trauma And Unprocessed Thoughts!
What will you do if you feel thousands of thoughts are striking into your mind continuously and at the same time? Probably you scream with all defense on or do drugs and go a million feet away to feel the scarcity inside you of unwanted thoughts. I did both, and believe me; I felt peace.
I guess you must be thinking about the harmful effect of the peace I gathered from intoxication. Well, I did the same, but when the uncountable number of thoughts hits you, all those thoughts of consequences are Bullshit and nothing else.
Have you ever encountered a horror movie entirely based on your thoughts? Every moment you lived in your past turns into a continuous motion overlapping each other. You recognize every fucking expression but cannot separate it from one another. In the next moment, all those expressions turn into kinds of fluid faces coming towards you at the speed of over a thousand kilometers per hour and grasping your body and making it utterly impossible to breathe. I see these dreams now and then, and it leaves my body numb, trembling, and shivering.
My therapist said it is your unprocessed thoughts, grief, action, and anger which is now asking your mind and body to acknowledge and understand them as a part of your healing process. Well, that’s another point, if she is saying right or not, but for the record, I need to mention that I believe my therapist.
When all these unprocessed thoughts come back to me, it feels completely new and forces me to put all the guards on as I feel I am in attack and danger. Who the fuck on earth like being in danger? Do you? I believe not. When I find myself attacked by unprocessed thoughts and helplessness to control my mind and body, I seek a way to escape, and intoxicating is one of them. When your body and mind are in the most vulnerable situation, a kind of magnetic field starts revolving around you. Inside that field, you see the most accessible versions of help, and before you contemplate their consequences, you find yourself way away from your pain.
Trauma strikes to make me vulnerable and forces me to feel the danger around me. The worst part of feeling trauma and being into depression is; most of the time, those fluid faces nightmares don’t leave your mind and body for several days. In these times, I fight to catch my breath, and all those wires and shit of my nervous system starts sending signals of “danger ahead” at every moment. I see a sharp knife in every action and word of people around me.
This is what unprocessed anger and thoughts do. I let them eat me and kill my consciousness by escaping from them.
To me, trauma is not about what happened to me in the past. Maybe because I can’t go back and change any fucking thing about it. What drives me into anger is how depression affects my present life and my relationships.
The moment I encountered the truth of pushing people away from myself for absolutely no reason. I started sinking deep into the thoughts of self-guilt; even after knowing how and why my mind and body are not in control (A big thank to my healers), I struggle to put my guards down.
This disoriented situation of mine keeps pushing people away, and I often react in toxic and abusive ways. There is no excuse for it. No one around me is responsible for my worst behavior and anger. I know and remember all those names and faces responsible for my trauma and depression. They fucked my mental health in all possible ways and later left me to bleed on those I love the most.
I am not responsible for my trauma; I am not responsible for the worst choices I made to keep myself away from the feeling of dying; I am not ashamed of intoxicating myself to escape.
I left and leaving people who gave worst of my life. I am only responsible for my abusive behavior towards every person who came to me with open arms, but I couldn’t recognize their love at that very moment. I am learning and moving towards healing; I am trying to hold my guards down. I am learning to love myself so that I can love other people. I am not afraid of my nightmares now; I am not letting all those fluid faces choke me again and ever.
I lose my motivation and energy during this process, it drains me now and then, but the only thing that is different from before is my belief that I will be healed.
