Navigating Love During Healing (A Personal Narrative)
Acute pain may not live in the body for a long time, but the pain tends to damage us psychologically at a certain level. In any kind of pain, whether acute or chronic, a support system primarily emotional support is as necessary as medicinal support. In a fact sheet published by the national institute of mental health research, various studies, and research concluded that the impact on mental health of chronic illness and surgeries’ is higher. The inability to do regular work and the dependency on fellow humans is the sense of losing control, which disconnects us from our bodies. In his bestselling book, The Myth of Normal. The Hungarian-born Canadian physician who specializes in the study and treatment of addiction and his firmly held belief in the connection between mind and body health, Dr. Gabor Mate said, “Trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you.”
It would be a lack of understanding of the human body, mind, and emotions if I see the experiences of chronic and acute illness or pain from the same lens. On the psychological level, every pain has its own story, it won’t add any value if we compare them. A month back my partner went through a minor surgery. To prepare myself for my first-time caretaking experience, I look after the possible impact on mental health from the perspective of chronic illness. This perspective helped me to connect with my partner more effectively without sidelining mind and body experience. I tried to find more writing and research on caretaking experiences to validate the use of the same lens like chronic illness/pain but couldn’t find anything effective. So, I consider this positive effectiveness as an anecdote.
In his book, The Trauma of everyday life, the American psychotherapist and author Mark Epstein, wrote, “The trauma of everyday life can easily make us feel like a motherless child.” I remember every moment when she talked about her mother’s departure from this world and the helplessness she experienced. Within our current life struggles of finance, organization, health, or work, we lived in times when we (especially her) experienced the loss of control. At times, (mostly when she talks to her family) I felt, within this struggle, she misses or searches for the closeness and warmth of her mother. The birth of this feeling inside me directed me to decide the nature of caregiving for her after surgery. I tried to cover every aspect of the daily life chorus like medicines on time, her diet, and other household work before she considered asking me to do. The idea behind this is to give her the time to connect with her body so that she does not feel a loss of control. Healing in the presence of inability and dependency forces us to think as a burden on our caregivers. But, the day she told someone that I care for her like a mother, it was the moment I realized my approach to caregiving worked the way I thought.
We as human beings, grow within the shadow of love and a sense of belonging. As of now, when she is still in the process of healing and recovering, sometimes I feel exhausted in my body. At times, a sense of being alone arise inside me. Loneliness is just not the absence of people around you. The loss of a sense of belonging and agency can develop the feeling of loneliness within the body. Studies suggest that the rise in health diseases and the rise in loneliness are interconnected. I am not at that saturation level where loneliness gives me any kind of disease. But, for our love to grow, I believe, we must know the possible outcomes of our behaviors. I feel the reason behind sharing my feeling of disconnection and loss of control is to re-configure some aspects of our relationship. Primarily, our more active presence for each other.
There were some instances where she labeled my caregiving as a ‘test’ of my authenticity of love towards her. At the same time, she expressed her happiness wholeheartedly regarding the way I take care of her during her healing and recovery. Before expressing my feeling, I want to clarify one thing which I believe is very important– I know and I trust, she did not intentionally make me insecure by her comments. I know, it was purely circumstantial, where she wanted to include some fun in her talks. The moment she used the word ‘test’, it gave me a sense of insecurity and made me competitive against myself. At every single moment, I wanted to do things perfectly. From medicine to diet and visit to the hospital, while doing these things, I started thinking about myself in the zone of improving myself at every moment. When I wanted to be with her while she heal, I didn’t realize when her healing and recovery became about me. The narcissist traits which I believed I left behind during the journey of my healing from patriarchy. There were moments where I realized I am losing my agency, my control over me, the same which she helped me to get back during the time of my healing.
At times, I thought if I do anything wrong, or miss the schedule, would it affect our relationship to the extent that we will choose different paths? When she shared her fear of inability to take care of me if and ever I need caretaking, she didn’t realize she is setting up different parameters of ‘test’ for both of us. As after her surgery, we are navigating our love without any loss of respect and accountability, I know I am safe with her. But, I want to convey that the choice of wrong words for fun affected me for a shorter period.
I remember my healing days when she took responsibility for helping me out. I remember it was exhausting for her. Caregiving can never be forced. We should recognize the possible burnout because of caregiving. In our society, immediate family members don’t express their exhaustion while caregiving because they believe it is a moral responsibility. Recognizing burnout and exhaustion is important to both caregivers and patients. There are options available to switch caregiving jobs. Unfortunately, the health care system is biased and may not be available to everyone but it is never a bad idea to opt for options if it is available to you.
There is no doubt we are growing in love and navigating a beautiful life together. I chose to write instead of talking to her first only because I was trying to figure out the authenticity of my feeling. As caregiving in chronic illness and acute illness is different, it was important for me to validate my feelings through studies and research. I believe, the more we understand our feelings, the more we can grow in love. And, I also believe learning about caregiving can help us in our daily life chorus and also prepare us for our old age.
With love And Belief!
